smileface

the january update

- the kids collect flattened pennies now. at 51¢ a pop, i thought i had figured out a genius way of spending less money on souvenirs. turns out those stankin' machines are everywhere. apparently there are 96 different designs at disneyland alone. nice one.

- the manchild is surprisingly skilled at taekwondo, which requires quite a bit of hand-eye coordination and strength. yet at swim lesson he looks like a salmon fighting the current. confuse.

- there is a place called la petite provence near my house. it is a delightful little french bakery and restaurant. we love the risotto cakes, poached eggs, and croissants w/housemade strawberry jam.

- the little one loves to act 2 years old and routinely pastes buzz lightyear and strawberry shortcake bandaids all over her body. one day she asked me to remove one on her neck, and i demonstrated the fast-and-painless-removal technique in the airspace between us several times before i finally convinced her that it was the best method. little did i know that her skin is freakishly thin and would come off along with the bandaid. oops.

- whenever something in the house goes missing i immediately want to blame my housekeeper and that makes me a nasty and horrible beech who doesn't deserve a housekeeper at all.

- the skin around my elbows is becoming thin and old-ladyish.

- i lovelovelove that you can read long excerpts of books on itunes or kindle before committing. ham on rye by charles bukowski...to buy or not to buy?

- i can't believe i almost didn't graduate from college yet have obscenely high academic aspirations of my children.

- i really want to make one of these, but i'm scared i won't do it right.

- the downstairs toilet's handle keeps getting stuck and then the water runs continuously until someone gently sets it back to neutral and it has been driving me way past bonkers and insanity for weeks now. fortunately my husband put a stop to the incessant sound of running toilet water (or was it my high-pitched whining he got sick of first?) and wedged a giant foam sticker onto the back of the lid to keep said lid from interfering with the handle. unfortunately my husband seems to believe that a giant foam sticker stuck to the back of the toilet lid is a permanent and not, as i had hoped, temporary solution to a rather disturbing problem.

- newman's own sockarooni sauce tastes exactly like a sauce i've had at a restaurant somewhere. olive garden, is it you?

- we don't eat at fast food restaurants anymore because after eating chicken nuggets one day the little one broke out in giant hives all over her body the same way it used to happen to me when i was her age.

- my sister turns 30 this year and i feel a deep-seated need to top the trip to tulum just so i can show her who's boss. where to?

- one of my new year's resolutions is to follow my children's example and be a loyal and unconditional friend.

the aftermath

so. how was your christmas? ours was a gross display of gluttony, in case you were wondering. we have impulse-control issues and a general lack of good senses. 

did i say we? hohoho, i make jokes.

i am thoroughly disgusted with myself and shall wallow in self-loathing until next christmas, i promise.

let it be known, however, that just prior to the annual massacre of christmas morning presents, i did actually manage to sit the two chilluns down for a lecture on the nature of advent and the miracle of Christ's birth. i waxed poetic on the anticipation of His coming and the blessings that overflow in our household due to His ultimate sacrifice and mercy. i explained that as we rejoiced that morning in the comfort of our warm home, there were others less fortunate who would go hungry and cold.

and then, like rabid monkeys, they proceeded to decimate the entirety of my first floor, tearing into their gifts in endless succession, barely pausing for photos, and issuing half-hearted, parent-coached thank-yous over skype to faraway relatives.

new year's resolution #1 - something has got to change.